Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Sleep? What's that?

It's no secret that I sleep like a crazy person when The Deputy is on shift. It's also no secret that my cat is fully aware of this and enjoys using this to her advantage in the wee hours of the morning. I've blogged extensively about The Cat. (I use the term "wee hours" to describe 11:45 at night, just so you know. Incorrect, but let's face it, I don't know what the "wee hours" of the morning actually look like. And I use the term "extensively" here to describe once.)

Before marriage I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night looking out of my window (checking for robbers, rapists and chupacabras, naturally) and being convinced that the smoke detectors turned into spy cameras once I fell asleep. It was like the Toy Story from hell for me. Instead of things coming to life to act out adventures whilst I slept, they would come to live to kill me.

After marriage, the crazy sleeping stopped! Just kidding.

However, we don't have a smoke detector in our room so that eliminated one of the tormentors. I still peek through the blinds on a nightly basis. But now I have a new night terror, my cat. And this is a fairly new one, she's taken the game to an extreme level.

Her plan: Befriend the lady human and cuddle with her every night in bed. Do this continually for about eleven months, make it a nightly routine. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, insist on sleeping on the window bench from now on. Move completely out of the human bed and let the lady human adjust to this new sleeping arrangement. A month later, start randomly jumping on top of lady human juuuust when she falls asleep, giving her a mini-stroke!

The plan is genius for two reasons:

1. The Cat knows I have insane sleeping patterns that are magnified when The Deputy is on shift. So it's really an easy score for her. (I hope she's proud of herself)

2. The Cat also knows that before I moved in, The Deputy discovered a stray cat (that's right, a strange, feral street cat) actually got into the house and stowed away there for a few days. I laughed at the time of the story, but now that I take residence in said house, it's no longer funny. The Cat, however, who originally thought the incident was horrendous, now thinks it's amusing to jump on my chest (again, the crazy sleep has already set in when she does this. I'm not in my right mind when these shenanigans occur) causing me to panic and think (actually, I mind-yell), "THAT'S NOT MY CAT!" and flip on a light. To discover her furry little face smiling at me. That's right, she smiles.

And then it's another ten rounds of "Ohmygosh what was that?!" before I can finally fall asleep again.

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