Tuesday, June 10, 2014

In the middle of the night.

I feel like throughout life we spent long stretches of time just being. We make small changes here and there but overall we know what to expect from our day to day lives. Then suddenly, we wake up and one day everything is completely new. There's no going back, there's no "give me five more minutes", sometimes there's no warning.

I've had a few of these moments. Some caused by the choices of others, some choices I made voluntarily (and gladly) with eyes wide open. Except, even with your eyes open, its hard to really know what's coming around the corner. Sure, we see the bend in road coming so we brace ourselves for the shift, but can we every really prepare ourselves for the outcome?

I say all that to say The Deputy and I have done it again. And by "again", I'm referring to one of those times we have a conversation starting with something similar to "Hey, wouldn't it fun to......?"

The first time that happened we got married. Sure, the decision was thought out, talked about, planned and planned and planned for. And I mean planned. Homegirl doesn't do anything big without lists, sticky notes and color coding. But there I was, the morning of my very first day as a Mrs. thinking, "Holy cow. We actually went through with this!" It wasn't a sad thought, just a realization that we had done something that would change both of us forever.

Anyways, we did it then and we've done it now. This time, instead of having months and months of careful planning and time to prepare, we created a human being. Which, in case you weren't aware, is a moment that literally changes your life over night. I went to sleep on a Wednesday night as myself. I woke up on that Thursday morning as someone's mother. And still someone's mother 4 pregnancy tests later.

And that was it. What I thought I would have months to brace myself for has slammed into my life in a matter of weeks. I'd like to say that I'm #winning at pregnancy, but I'll admit, I'm still reeling. A little less every day--but reeling, nonetheless.

Being married to a law enforcement officer, I like to eliminate all elements of surprise, whenever I can. I tend to rely on the predictability--and maybe even false sense of security--to help me get through each work night, each SWAT call, each side job. I like to know things. I like to be warned, I like to over think and I like to plan for everything. But ironically, I find myself spending the majority of my life walking out in faith, having no other choice but to trust blindly.

So here comes my new life (again), making me feel more out of control than I ever have before. But I do know the end result will be worth every day of sickness, every frustrating moment, every doubt and every apprehension. Let's see what's coming around this turn! (And duh, I know it's a baby. The extent of my knowledge ends there.)

The first time we saw our Baby-Blob @ 6 weeks 6 days